Health
Toxic Parents: How to Manage Them
Though she didn’t yet know the term “toxic,” Rashawnda James knew something was very off about her relationship with her mother when she was just 13 years old. “I realized that in the conversations at school that they were talking as though their parents were around a lot,” she says.
James says that wasn’t true of her parent, who had an addiction to crack cocaine. “There were times when I had to go search for my mother because I didn’t know where she was,” James says. “I felt responsible for my mom. Once I made that connection, I knew it was unhealthy.”
Signs you might have a toxic parent include:
- They’re self-centered. They don’t think about your needs or feelings.
- They’re emotional loose cannons. They overreact, or create drama.
- They overshare. They share improper info with you, like details about their intimate lives. They use you as their main source of emotional support.
- They seek control. They might use guilt and money to get you to do what they want.
- They’re harshly critical. Nothing you do is ever good enough. They don’t respect your good traits or achievements.
- They lack boundaries. They might show up unasked at your home, or attack your life choices.
Now an Atlanta-based licensed therapist, author, and self-care expert, James can name her mother’s toxic behaviors. These include manipulation and gaslighting, a technique that makes you question your ability to tell what’s true or really happening. “As a child, I couldn’t avoid my mother. I couldn’t set boundaries,” James says. “The lines were blurred. There was no filter.”
However, her mother managed to involve James in positive activities. “That became my safe haven,” James says. She excelled at track and field. One organization offered free therapy when she was in 12th grade. “It literally changed my life,” she says. That same counselor became her supervisor years later when James decided to become a therapist.
“As adults, we have choices that we didn’t have as children, and we’re not required to always do what our parents want,” says Sharon Martin, a licensed clinical social worker in San Jose, CA. She’s the author of The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism and The Better Boundaries Workbook.
If you were raised to respect your elders, obey your parents, and please them at all costs, setting boundaries can seem foreign. Martin urges her clients to challenge that mindset. “Remember your parents’ inability to love, accept, and value you aren’t your fault, and don’t have to do with your shortcomings.
“For example, consider whether you think it’s wrong to set boundaries, ask to be treated with respect, prioritize your or your immediate family’s needs above your parents’, or limit how much time you spend with your parents,” she says. “Would you tell a close friend that they’re wrong to do these things in response to yelling, manipulation, lying, harsh criticism, smear campaigns, or threats?”
A big “aha” moment for James was realizing she couldn’t be the reason for her mom to stop doing drugs. “I became the golden child. I thought, if I do well, she would possibly stay clean. If I graduate from high school … college… .” And on and on.
“I had to start living my life, and let go of it,” she says.
“It’s normal to want to please your parents, no matter your age,” Martin says. “But be realistic about whether it’s possible, and what your efforts are costing you emotionally, physically, mentally, financially, and spiritually.”
“The most harmful thing to do to yourself is to believe you can fix them,” James agrees. “If you know that, you don’t have to stay there and take what they’re giving you. You can choose yourself. It releases you, when you don’t have to fix something.”
Fifteen years later, James’s mother is clean. The two live 22 minutes from each other and talk about twice a day, though they did take a 2-year break. James stresses that while she chooses to carry on their relationship with her mom, you must do what’s best for you.
“It’s taken me 10 years of me enforcing the boundaries,” James says. “I say ‘No, Mom. I can’t give you money.’ ‘No Mom, I can’t be this for you.’ ‘I can’t go over there where those people make me uncomfortable, but you’re free to come over here.’”
“Just because she’s my mother, her priorities don’t have to outweigh mine,” she adds.
It helps that her mom has become more self-aware over time, and sometimes can catch herself in old patterns.
Have a short stock response to questions about why you’re not in contact with your parents, i.e., “I’m not talking to my parents because they’re emotionally abusive.” This can help you remember why you’ve set limits, even if others don’t get it.
“When others judge or criticize your decision to limit contact or set other boundaries with your parents, it’s usually because they assume you have emotionally healthy parents who treat you with respect,” Martin says. “But you’re limiting contact because your parents are treating you poorly. And your parents don’t get a free pass to mistreat you simply because they’re your parents.”
You still don’t owe anyone a reason, though, Martin adds. “You have the right to say, ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’”
Children of toxic parents might not be used to taking care of themselves, Martin says. “Use a mantra such as, ‘Self-care isn’t selfish,’ or ‘My needs matter,’ or ‘I’m an adult and have the right to make my own choices.’”
James plans a self-care activity such as journaling or exercising after she spends time with her mother. “I love to journal. It’s a great way to have an internal dialogue, to release my thoughts. I don’t keep my thoughts inside and burden myself with that,” she says. She also loves dance workouts to music from Miami, as Florida is her home state.
Listening to gospel music is another way she keeps grounded. It helps me realize that my struggle isn’t just my burden, she says. “It’s a good reminder that my mom is not my responsibility. God can do more than what I could ever do for her.”
“A support system is essential,” Martin says. She suggests support groups, or individual therapy with someone who works in narcissistic abuse, developmental trauma, or codependency.
To find a therapist, call your insurance company or go online and get a list of providers. If you don’t have insurance, affordable online options include Telehealth and BetterHelp.
“At an early age, I saw what life was, and I made a commitment to myself not to repeat that cycle,” James says. “I didn’t have the road map or the blueprint, but since 12th grade, I’ve gained the tools to live in a more healthy and positive way.”
She’s raising her three children with these in mind. For example, she doesn’t overshare, as her own mother did. “I really try to maintain their innocence as much as possible,” she says. “I don’t burden my children with other people’s problems. I allow them to see my emotions, because I want them to know a full spectrum.
“I follow the principle that my bounds of happiness are not placed in others, places, or things. I can be anywhere, I can have anything, and still find joy. That’s one of my superpowers!”
May 10, 2024 – When we’re young, we take our macula for granted. At the center of our retina – the deepest layer of the eye that’s chock-full of photoreceptors and that confers color to our world – the macula is like a high-resolution camera. As light hits our eyes, the retina’s macula recasts our world in a bloom of color with astoundingly high visual sharpness.
But as you age, your vision dulls. What once stood out sharply becomes foggy, like condensation on a windowpane. After some time, a coal-black smudge or cloudy circular area begins to affect your central vision.
This effective blind spot widens over time if left untreated. What remains is a “macular hole” in the center of your retina.
This unfortunate series of events marks the advanced stage of age-related macular degeneration, a dangerous retinal disease that affects about 20 million people in the U.S., and nearly 200 million people worldwide.
And it’s not getting better. Estimates are that by 2040, the disease may affect nearly 300 million people worldwide. We are very limited in our ability to treat or prevent it. Read on for what to know.
First, What Causes Age-Related Macular Degeneration?
AMD’s causes are varied, and whether it will affect you is mostly determined by age and genetics, said Marco Alejandro Gonzalez, MD, an ophthalmologist and vitreoretinal specialist in Delray Beach, FL.
Because of the different cocktails that we have in terms of our genetic makeup, some people’s photoreceptor cells in the macula “basically start to shut down,” he said.
AMD’s development involves over 30 genes, and if you have a first-degree relative – parent, sibling, child – who has the disease, you’re three times more likely to get it, too.
Gonzalez explained how the expected rise to 300 million cases by 2040 is due mostly to improved diagnostic tools, along with the fact that the world is getting older and living longer. (Usually, an optometrist can detect signs of AMD during a routine eye exam.)
Eye experts still struggle to stop AMD’s most harmful sign – the cause of those muddy, milky, or even coal-colored circles in your central vision: geographic atrophy.
Geographic atrophy can occur in either of the two forms of age-related AMD: “dry” AMD and “wet” AMD.
Nearly every case of AMD begins as the dry kind, affecting 80% to 90% of AMD patients.
Retinal disease expert Tiarnán Keenan, MD, PhD, offered a vivid image of geographic atrophy for those who have dry AMD.
“As time passes, the circular patches of GA expand like a brushfire, taking more and more vision with it, often to the point of legal blindness,” he said.
A researcher in the Division of Epidemiology and Clinical Applications at the National Eye Institute, Keenan recently led a study that tested the efficacy of the antibiotic minocycline in slowing geographic atrophy expansion in dry AMD. The study operated on the grounds that the body’s immune system could be at play in developing the disease.
When your body’s immune system is overactive, microglial cells (central nervous system immune cells) can get into the sub-retinal space and possibly eat away at the macula and its sensitive photoreceptors.
Though minocycline had been shown to reduce inflammation and microglial activity in the eye in diabetic retinopathy, it didn’t slow the expansion of geographic atrophy or vision loss in patients with dry AMD during Keenan’s study.
When asked if microglial activity could have very little to do with the atrophy expansion, Keenan said it’s something to consider: “Maybe microglia are just there as bystanders clearing up the debris … so inhibiting them is less likely to slow down progression.”
In future drug trials, “maybe it’s possible the minocycline or another approach to target microglia would be helpful, but it would be needed in combination with some other therapy and be ineffective by itself,” he said.
Two Sides of the Same Disease
In dry AMD, Gonzalez compares macular degeneration to the loss of pixels on a screen. “Some of those pixels burn out … and that’s the way you lose vision classically in the dry form.”
Wet AMD is a more progressive form of the disease. It causes abrupt vision loss due to abnormal blood vessel growth.
“If you don’t treat wet AMD quickly, it’s game over,” warned Gonzalez. “Wet macular degeneration is the quicker process of vision loss because these blood vessels wreak havoc.” These new blood vessels bleed, causing fluid to build in the macula, which ultimately leads to scarring.
Gonzalez shed light on why wet AMD develops. “The wet form, for some reason, is the body’s last-ditch effort to try to kind of ‘help’ a dying macula. … When these blood vessels start to grow under the retina, they quickly destroy the architecture of the macula.”
Stopping the Bleeding in Wet AMD
Though wet AMD is rarer, it’s more treatable than dry AMD. Signs and symptoms can be eased with various therapies injected into the eye.
Putting it simply, Gonzalez said these therapies to treat wet AMD “all basically do the same thing. They make these new blood vessels regress temporarily before they cause damage to the macula.”
The injected medication clears away those blood vessels and restores the architecture of the macula. People can recover some vision in this way, but it’s only a temporary tune-up, and shots must be given as often as once a month.
“Degeneration of the cells is still the main problem. You’re not stopping that. But degeneration itself is a lot slower than actual vision loss associated with these blood vessels.”
The Struggle in Developing New Treatments
According to Keenan, “nobody has been able to stop geographic atrophy from happening” in either form of AMD. “So, that’s the main work in the field with trials.”
In December 2023, the FDA approved two new drugs: Syfovre and Izervay, both of which only slow geographic atrophy. Degeneration still happens, regardless.
Keenan explained how these two new drugs are “complement inhibitors … given by injection into the eye once a month or so.”
“Complement” refers to the body’s complement pathway, a trigger that activates a cascade of proteins in enhancing immune response.
Clinical trials showed Syfovre slowing the rate of geographic atrophy by up to 22% over 2 years, and Izervay up to 14% over 1 year.
Though these drugs are a new weapon against this troublesome affliction, they aren’t without their complications.
“Anytime you give an injection in the eye, there’s always the risk of an infection because you’re introducing something from the outside. So that’s the biggest risk,” explained Gonzalez.
An infection is uncommon, but potentially devastating, as you can lose your eye altogether. There’s also the chance of a damaging reaction to the shot.
“You have to pick and choose your patients,” said Gonzalez. “Not everybody is a good candidate for those new shots … and the patient is never going to see better. … It’s a harder sell than the ones for wet AMD.”
A Common Protective Measure
Keenan and Gonzalez both have a fair degree of confidence in reducing the risk of AMD with vitamin therapy.
As a bit of background on how vitamins were found to act as a sort of preventive measure, Gonzalez said, “In the early and late ‘90s, there were series of studies which were called the age-related eye disease studies.” These are now referred to as AREDS 1 and AREDS 2.
Researchers proved that a certain cocktail of vitamins slowed down degeneration. The most is a combo of antioxidants: vitamins C and E and lutein and zeaxanthin, all of which are in the AREDS 2 formula.
People who took these vitamins had a lower chance of losing their vision over the next 2 to 5 years. “[The combo] seems to be complementary and additive … with a combined treatment effect of 55% to 60%, an excellent safety record, and very low cost,” Keenan said.
Gonzalez recommends the AREDS 2 formula of vitamins to every patient of his. “It’s such an easy thing to take, and the downside is minimal.”
Unfortunately, if your genes make you more likely to have the condition, a change in diet or vitamin use could have no effect.
Dire? Possibly. But not all is lost in this fight.
Vigilance with AMD and What to Do Next if You’re Diagnosed
Gonzalez is adamant in educating his patients before time has run out on treating AMD. Recognition is key. “The most common reason a lot of these people get to me ‘too late’ is they don’t realize there’s a problem.”
He explained a typical scenario: “Let’s say you have macular degeneration in both eyes at different stages. One of your eyes starts developing wet macular degeneration … so the better eye takes over and you may not notice there’s a problem.”
Even after a patient is diagnosed with AMD, they usually see a specialist only twice a year. Gonzalez often tells his patients to cover one of their eyes to make sure their vision is intact in both eyes. “You’ll be able to pick up on subtle differences” in each eye, he said.
This type of self-care and vigilance can be the difference between successfully living with and treating the disease for the rest of your life, and trying to get help when it’s simply too late.
For wet AMD, as mentioned before, a round of injections is basically what everyone does. Without quick, invasive treatment, the point of no return approaches rapidly.
May 16, 2024 – Multiple U.S. agencies are working to contain the recent bird flu outbreak among cattle to prevent further spread to humans (beyond one case reported in early April) and use what we learned before, during, and after the COVID-19 pandemic to keep farm workers and the general public safe.
Fingers crossed, the bird flu will be contained and peter out. Or the outbreak could continue to spread among dairy cattle and other animals, threatening the health and livelihoods of farmers and others who work with livestock.
Or the virus could change in a way that makes it easier to infect and spread among people. If this happens, the worst-case scenario could be a new influenza pandemic.
With so many unknowns, WebMD brought together experts from four federal agencies to talk prevention, monitoring, and what the “what ifs” of bird flu might look like.
Communication with the public “about what we know, what we don’t know, and ways you and your family can stay safe is a priority for us at CDC,” said Nirav D. Shah, MD, JD, the CDC’s principal deputy director. “We at the federal level are responding, and we want the public to be following along.”
People should consult the websites for the CDC, FDA, U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA), and the Administration for Strategic Preparedness and Response (ASPR) for updates.
It is essential to not only stay informed, but to seek trusted sources of information, Shah said during “Bird Flu 2024 – What You Need to Know,” an online briefing jointly sponsored by the CDC and WebMD.
An ‘Experimental Hamburger’
If one take-home message emerged from the event, it was that the threat to the general public remains low.
The retail milk supply is safe, although consuming raw or unpasteurized milk is not recommended. “While commercial milk supply is safe, we strongly advise against drinking raw milk,” said Donald A. Prater, DVM, acting director for the FDA’s Center for Food Safety and Applied Nutrition.
As for other foods, thoroughly cooked eggs are less risky than raw eggs, and the nation’s beef supply remains free of the virus as well.
For years, federal inspectors have purchased and tested meat at retail stores, said Eric Deeble, DVM, USDA deputy assistant secretary for the Office of Congressional Relations. So far, H5N1, the virus behind bird flu, has not been detected in beef.
The USDA took testing a step further and recently cooked ground beef from dairy cows in their lab. Using what Deeble described as an “experimental hamburger,” the agency showed cooking beef to 165 F or higher kills the virus if it ever becomes necessary.
The federal government now requires all cattle be tested and be free of bird flu virus before crossing any state lines. The government is also reimbursing farmers for veterinary care and loss of business related to the outbreak, and supply personal protective equipment (PPE) like gloves, masks, and face shields to workers.
Vaccination Not Recommended Now
Federal scientists know enough about H5N1 virus to create vaccines against it quickly if the need arises. It’s more about planning ahead at this point. “Vaccines are not part of our response right now,” said David Boucher, PhD, director of infectious diseases preparedness and response at the Administration for Strategic Preparedness and Response.
If the virus changes and becomes a bigger threat to people, “we have the building blocks to produce a vaccine,” Boucher added.
An event attendee asked if the seasonal flu shot offers any protection. “Unfortunately, the flu shot you got last year does not provide great protection from the avian flu,” Shah responded. “It might do a little bit … but that is the vaccine for seasonal flu. This is something more novel.”
Treatments Stockpiled and Ready
Antiviral medications, which if given early in the course of bird flu infection could shorten the severity or duration of illness, are available now, Shah said. The dairy farmer who was infected with bird flu earlier this year responded to oseltamivir (Tamiflu) treatment, for example.
When it comes to bird flu symptoms, the fact that the only infected person reported so far this year developed pink eye, also known as conjunctivitis, is interesting, Shah said. Officials would have expected to see more typical seasonal flu symptoms, he added.
“Influenza is not a new virus,” Boucher said. “With this strain of influenza, we are not seeing any genetic markers associated with resistance to antivirals. That means the antivirals we take for seasonal influenza would also be available if needed to treat H5N1.”
ASPR has stockpiled Tamiflu and three other antivirals. “We do have tens of millions of courses that can be distributed around the country if we need them,” he added.
“Influenza is an enemy we know well,” Boucher said. That is why “we have antivirals ready to go now and many types of PPE.”
Science in Action
The feds intend to stay on the case. They will continue to monitor emergency department visits, lab test orders, and wastewater samples for any changes suggesting a human pandemic risk is growing.
“While we’ve learned a great deal, there are still many things we do not know,” Deeble said.
Shah added, “As in any outbreak, this is an evolving situation and things can change. What you are seeing now is science in action.”
For the latest updates on bird flu in the United States, visit the CDC’s H5N1 Bird Flu: Current Situation Summary website.
May 16, 2024 – Multiple U.S. agencies are working to contain the recent bird flu outbreak among cattle to prevent further spread to humans (beyond one case reported in early April) and use what we learned before, during, and after the COVID-19 pandemic to keep farm workers and the general public safe.
Fingers crossed, the bird flu will be contained and peter out. Or the outbreak could continue to spread among dairy cattle and other animals, threatening the health and livelihoods of farmers and others who work with livestock.
Or the virus could change in a way that makes it easier to infect and spread among people. If this happens, the worst-case scenario could be a new influenza pandemic.
With so many unknowns, WebMD brought together experts from four federal agencies to talk prevention, monitoring, and what the “what ifs” of bird flu might look like.
Communication with the public “about what we know, what we don’t know, and ways you and your family can stay safe is a priority for us at CDC,” said Nirav D. Shah, MD, JD, the CDC’s principal deputy director. “We at the federal level are responding, and we want the public to be following along.”
People should consult the websites for the CDC, FDA, U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA), and the Administration for Strategic Preparedness and Response (ASPR) for updates.
It is essential to not only stay informed, but to seek trusted sources of information, Shah said during “Bird Flu 2024 – What You Need to Know,” an online briefing jointly sponsored by the CDC and WebMD.
An ‘Experimental Hamburger’
If one take-home message emerged from the event, it was that the threat to the general public remains low.
The retail milk supply is safe, although consuming raw or unpasteurized milk is not recommended. “While commercial milk supply is safe, we strongly advise against drinking raw milk,” said Donald A. Prater, DVM, acting director for the FDA’s Center for Food Safety and Applied Nutrition.
As for other foods, thoroughly cooked eggs are less risky than raw eggs, and the nation’s beef supply remains free of the virus as well.
For years, federal inspectors have purchased and tested meat at retail stores, said Eric Deeble, DVM, USDA deputy assistant secretary for the Office of Congressional Relations. So far, H5N1, the virus behind bird flu, has not been detected in beef.
The USDA took testing a step further and recently cooked ground beef from dairy cows in their lab. Using what Deeble described as an “experimental hamburger,” the agency showed cooking beef to 165 F or higher kills the virus if it ever becomes necessary.
The federal government now requires all cattle be tested and be free of bird flu virus before crossing any state lines. The government is also reimbursing farmers for veterinary care and loss of business related to the outbreak, and supply personal protective equipment (PPE) like gloves, masks, and face shields to workers.
Vaccination Not Recommended Now
Federal scientists know enough about H5N1 virus to create vaccines against it quickly if the need arises. It’s more about planning ahead at this point. “Vaccines are not part of our response right now,” said David Boucher, PhD, director of infectious diseases preparedness and response at the Administration for Strategic Preparedness and Response.
If the virus changes and becomes a bigger threat to people, “we have the building blocks to produce a vaccine,” Boucher added.
An event attendee asked if the seasonal flu shot offers any protection. “Unfortunately, the flu shot you got last year does not provide great protection from the avian flu,” Shah responded. “It might do a little bit … but that is the vaccine for seasonal flu. This is something more novel.”
Treatments Stockpiled and Ready
Antiviral medications, which if given early in the course of bird flu infection could shorten the severity or duration of illness, are available now, Shah said. The dairy farmer who was infected with bird flu earlier this year responded to oseltamivir (Tamiflu) treatment, for example.
When it comes to bird flu symptoms, the fact that the only infected person reported so far this year developed pink eye, also known as conjunctivitis, is interesting, Shah said. Officials would have expected to see more typical seasonal flu symptoms, he added.
“Influenza is not a new virus,” Boucher said. “With this strain of influenza, we are not seeing any genetic markers associated with resistance to antivirals. That means the antivirals we take for seasonal influenza would also be available if needed to treat H5N1.”
ASPR has stockpiled Tamiflu and three other antivirals. “We do have tens of millions of courses that can be distributed around the country if we need them,” he added.
“Influenza is an enemy we know well,” Boucher said. That is why “we have antivirals ready to go now and many types of PPE.”
Science in Action
The feds intend to stay on the case. They will continue to monitor emergency department visits, lab test orders, and wastewater samples for any changes suggesting a human pandemic risk is growing.
“While we’ve learned a great deal, there are still many things we do not know,” Deeble said.
Shah added, “As in any outbreak, this is an evolving situation and things can change. What you are seeing now is science in action.”
For the latest updates on bird flu in the United States, visit the CDC’s H5N1 Bird Flu: Current Situation Summary website.
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